


A Little Messed Up And Blue

by Sybariticfanfiction (SybariticReyna)



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Introspection, Just Take My Sappy Lesbian Nonsense, Lesbian Meredith, Short & Sweet, This Is A Lot Of Meredith Wrestling With Her Feelings And Pining, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:42:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27239749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SybariticReyna/pseuds/Sybariticfanfiction
Summary: Meredith said "I'm going to become a lesbian," as a joke, but it's not a joke when she tells Cristina's sleeping face, "I think I'm a lesbian."
Relationships: Meredith Grey & Cristina Yang, Meredith Grey/Cristina Yang
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48





	A Little Messed Up And Blue

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for vaguely mentioned homophobia and the consumption of tequila!!

When Meredith says, "I'm going to become a lesbian," she's joking. She knows it, Cristina knows it, even Alex knows it. 

When Meredith is half asleep and making doe eyes at her best friend, she's not joking. 

Yang is taking up the majority of her (their) bed, her hair loose and wild, and she looks like some kind of painting. Meredith would sketch her, if she had any artistic talent. Despite Cristina's dark and twisty self, physically she's… soft. None of the harsh edges that Meredith has.

(Once, some pretentious dbag of a patient said her face is "foxlike". While Meredith fumed, Cristina laughed and laughed before finally saying, "You are pretty foxy, Mer.") 

(In the end, she decided maybe her fox-face isn't so bad.) 

She should go to sleep. She's got dark circles under her eyes, and Yang was the one to point them out. Ironic, that Yang is keeping her up too. 

Meredith has just enough courage to brush some of her friend's hair back, to cup her face. She's peaceful when she sleeps. Less intense. No badly built emotional walls. 

If she were awake… 

Meredith would be too scared, she knows that, but maybe if she were awake, Mer could ask to kiss her. Just to see what it's like. 

It wouldn't be like Derek, she's sure. No stubble, for one, and no… no urgency. Derek is always pushing her, her boundaries. 

Cristina is comfort. 

Meredith said "I'm going to become a lesbian," as a joke, but it's not a joke when she tells Cristina's sleeping face, "I think I'm a lesbian." 

* * *

Cristina is used to Alex's harsh edges, his shitty jokes, and his general lack of forethought. That's just who he is, after all. 

But when Karev makes a gross girl-on-girl joke and Meredith winces, Cristina wants to claw his eyes out. More than that, she wants to use her skills and take the heart right out of his chest. Offer it to Meredith like a cat with a dead mouse. 

But that's wrong, at least legally, so instead she steals his slice of pizza and says, "Shut it, evilspawn." 

And later, when she and Mer are alone again, she says, "It's okay, you know. If you-- if you're questioning, or whatever." This would've been easier half a bottle ago, and Cristina isn't sure if that's the right word, "questioning". 

Meredith looks over at her curiously. "What?" 

"Alex is-- he's Alex. He didn't mean anything by it." 

Mer looks… she doesn't look like any kind of metaphor or other thing. She looks like Mer. Her eyes are sparkling like they do, and the TV's ever-changing colors cast her in a strange light, and she's smiling as she says, "You don't need to defend Alex to me." 

"No, I. I'm not trying to defend him. I just wanted to make sure you aren't taking his shit seriously." 

She shrugs. "Alex has always been like that." 

* * *

Meredith doesn't end things with Derek immediately. She knows she should, but maybe, maybe she's wrong, and she's not a lesbian. 

Maybe it's normal to be… lukewarm on good days and vaguely disgusted on bad days (the logical Dr. Grey knows that's wholly untrue, but messy Meredith argues maybe). Maybe your boyfriend is supposed to be a weight. A title. Proof that you're loveable, or at least not alone. 

Meredith doesn't end things with Derek immediately, but when she does, it's… it's still painful. She still can't say _I'm a lesbian_ out loud, not in front of other, non-sleeping people, but she can't think of anything else when Derek, weepy eyed and clearly in pain, asks, "Why?" 

"I can't, Derek," Isn't the best response, but it's the only one she's got. 

**Author's Note:**

> this was beta'd by [my friend robyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcfuck/pseuds/mcfuck) who puts up w me telling abt shows they have no interest in 💕💕💕💕💕ily 
> 
> this was supposed to be longer but I was trying a new writing style and idk. It's not bad? I just didn't vibe w it. 
> 
> hope y'all have a good day/night/whatever!! im super duper sleepy rn so gn 💤💜


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